Tag Archives: Squirrels

Thor’s Stories: Ghost Cat Trapping

ghost cats

Following closely behind the Fourth of July with all of its bangs, pops and explosions, the next least favorite holiday on a dog’s calendar is…..Halloween.

Rex, Thor’s dog, always knew when Halloween was coming, because his boy, Thor, would put fake grave stones and bones all over the yard then forbid Rex from peeing on one or chewing on the other.

Next came the garden pumpkin harvest and massacre. Dogs always love garden pumpkins. After all, it is their favorite vegetable.  A pumpkin patch is a yard filled with big orange balls, because, a ball, is a ball, is a ball. And, since humans rarely eat them for food, pumpkins quickly become a dog’s favorite morning bathroom stop.

Rex was no exception to this rule.  Every morning before the sun could melt the frost on the pumpkin, Rex would engrave a design in the white ice crystals with his warm pee. Oddly enough, his bathroom art often resembled a miniature landscape.

After Thor had ended the reign of terror and forever saved his pumpkin patch from the ravages of Ned the Troll, the only real danger to the wonderful gourds was Thor himself. Thor really liked carving scary faces into those big orange orbs for Halloween.

While Thor loved carving on pumpkins, he hated sticking his hands into the belly of the pumpkin to pull out its cold, greasy, slimy, sticky guts.  So, he developed a Jack O’ Lantern production system.  After Thor lopped off the top of the pumpkin with his ninja sword, Rex was in charge of digging out the stringy stinky guts before the lad completed his carving.

pumpkin guts

Rex didn’t mind this process too much, because one of his life’s greatest pleasures was digging. This activity became especially enjoyable when his arch enemy, the obnoxious rodent Morton the Squirrel couldn’t resist temptation; would get greedy for pumpkin seeds; and would move close enough to get covered in orange slime.  Pumpkin guts dripping off an enemy’s face is always sublime.

Yes, the human’s were convinced that everything was ready for another safe and happy Halloween. However, Rex and his animal buddies knew better.  Each year it was the same. For on this night of bumps and boos in the night, all of the cats with bad attitudes, who had used up all of their nine-lives and who had once lived in the neighborhood, returned to trick, NOT treat.

Ghost cats are a nasty lot and messing with one is best left to an experienced  professional…like a dog.  Yes, dogs hate them and good cats have no time for them either and with good reason.  Never, not even once did they try to be kind, gentle or loving during any of their nine-lives on earth.  So, since they gave no peace when on earth, they deserved no peace in the hereafter. And, they got their just desserts!  For these cranky bad-tempered snaggle pusses became ghosts instead of much loved pets for the angels.

The annual Halloween ghost cat preparedness meeting of Thor’s pets was scheduled and called to order.  Everyone attended including Ned the fainting goat.  The chickens were always excused from this meeting as it is about scary stuff, and they are chickens after all.

Rex began the meeting with a bang of the gavel.  Ned, the fainting goat…immediately fainted.  A motion was made, seconded and passed to make Ned an honorary chicken.  Morton the Squirrel rendered immediate first aid by spitting in Ned’s face until he woke up.  Morton’s mom, cleaned the squirrel spit off of Ned’s face, gave him a kiss and hug and helped him back to his pen, where he fainted with relief.


Once, Morton’s mother had returned to the meeting. The ghost cat prevention plan from years past was distributed for review and discussion.  Morton the Squirrel’s mother asked Rex if she could have the grass and speak to the committee.


“For years and years we have done our best to protect our humans and their children from ghost cats and their mean Halloween pranks.”  Our efforts have been very successful.

Rex, you have always been able to escape the backyard to perform street duty.  Due to your diligence, never has one of our neighborhood children been hurt crossing a street! Job well done!


Of course, we are all aware of the occasional skinned knee from a unfortunate trip and fall in a costume that was too long. While any injury to a child is regrettable, it is not the type of trick a ghost cat would use, but rather just another indication that humans could benefit greatly from additional safety training. However, that is an issue for another day.

morton 2

Morton, for once, your love of spitting has been put to good use.  You have done a great job of staying ahead of those nasty ghost cats and their use of unattended open flames.  You can take pride in the fact that no flaming candle, has become a flaming costume or house.

At this time, I would like to acknowledge our dear house cats. We all know that Halloween is hardest them.  For they are in charge of candy safety.  Without fail our cats inspect each and every piece of Thor’s candy.  Their dedication to quality control and devotion to safeguarding Thor has always outweighed their loyalty to fellow cats, including ghost cats, and for that we thank you.

However, I feel it is time to change our ghost cat trick prevention plan.  Year after year, we work hard to prevent the hurt and mayhem caused by these lost, angry and unhappy ghost cats.  While we have all become very good at preventing their mischief, now is the time to stop it.

Then, Morton’s mom presented her cat ghost rehabilitation and reformation plan. Which was unanimously approved, because everyone knows that mother’s always know best.

The cool night air of a Minnesota Halloween Eve would make it almost impossible to detect the cold breezes emitted by ghosts as they float by or through you.  So, the team decided that the ghost rehabilitation should take place inside the home with the dear house cats.

To implement the new plan, supplies had to be gathered and deployed.  They needed toilet paper, a large floor fan, gum, duct tape, black work clothes, wooden clothes pins, a bright shiny new penny, cloves, marshmallows, orange-colored cheese crackers, white feathers, a can of baked beans, a copy of grandma’s rules for acceptable behavior and Grandpa Walter.

Before any part of the plan could be initiated, Mother Squirrel called Grandpa Walter to ask for his help and for him to bring a large copy of grandma’s rules for acceptable behavior.  Yes, that is right, Grandpa Walter speaks fluent squirrel.

Grandmother’s have always known that whether it is young humans or some misguided ghost cat exampling, teaching and expecting good behavior is an adult’s most important task.  So Thor’s grandma always had a copy of her acceptable behavior rules posted in her kitchen.  In case a child, anyone younger than grandma, experienced a memory lapse and need to re-enlightened.

Grandma’s rules of acceptable behavior:

1.  Treat everyone just like you, yourself would like to be treated.
2.  Be respectful of your elders and others.  Always say please and thank you.
3.  Kindness like cleanliness pays.
4.  Be responsible and take responsibility.
5.  Always be honest with your words and actions.
6.  Don’t use bad words, unless you like the taste of soap.
7.  If it isn’t yours, it is not yours.
8.  When you want something, work for it.
9.   Don’t pick your nose.
10. Be thankful to God and count your blessings.
11. Never, ever, pull Grandpa Walter’s finger in grandma’s presence.

Ghost capture can be a challenge and more so with ghost cats. Therefore, choosing the right bait is essential in any successful trapping operation.

First, the committee discussed the only thing cats, living or otherwise, cannot resist. Catnip! With a negative shake of her head and a raised eye brow, Morton’s mom quickly put an end to the discussion of cats and catnip.  Cats using catnip is like humans using drugs, no good can come of it and it will only end in tears.

It was decided to use two other items that cats cannot seem to ignore…birds and expensive black work clothes.  Since they were going for ghost cats, they decided to make white ghost birds as bait for the trap.  As Rex headed off to Thor’s dad’s closet to find his best black suit, Mother squirrel scooted into the kitchen to find a bag of large marshmallows, box of orange cheese crackers and cloves. Morton quickly raced out to the hen house to get feather donations from the chickens.

Once the marshmallows, cloves, crackers and chicken feathers were all gathered together.  Rex returned with several of Thor’s dad’s best black suits and his mom’s favorite black pants. After throwing the clothes on the living room floor, Rex proceeded to nip the crackers into four equal pieces.

Morton and his mother assembled the birds with marshmallow bodies, clove eyes, orange cheese cracker beaks and feathered wings and tails.  When they had used up all of the marshmallows, except the one they fed to Rex, because marshmallows have always been one of his favorite snacks, they were done making birds.

Next they had to assemble a ghost motion detector. What always signals that evil spirits have infiltrated a neighborhood on Halloween?  Toilet paper! The dear house cats  accepted the challenge to make the motion detector.  Soon, toilet paper was hanging and dangling all over the place.

cat and tp

With the motion detector completed and the ghost cat bait prepared, they needed to make the trap.  As luck would have it, just at that moment Grandpa Walter arrived!

He helped place the marshmallow birds on the floor, carried the big fan into the living room, chewed gum and put the shiny penny in his pocket.  After using the gum to stick a copy of grandma’s rules for acceptable behavior on the wall, Grandpa Walter opened and heated up the can of beans.  As Mother Squirrel and the dear house cats finished setting the trap, grandpa sat down in the living room’s swivel rocking recliner to relax and eat his supper.

With grandpa settled nicely in the swivel chair, and Rex and Morton, as usual, out safeguarding children as they trick and treated, it was time to set the trap in motion.  Mother Squirrel signaled grandpa with an affirmative nod that now was the time, then she turned all the lights off. As Mother Squirrel and the dear house cats put the clothes pins on their noses, Grandpa Walter removed his socks and shoes.


Ghosts, even ghost cats like to show off by going through walls so there never is a need to open a window or door to let them in, but a window was opened to let the smell of Grandpa Walter’s stinky feet out.  While birds and dark clothes may be irresistible to cats, ghosts cannot ignore the horrible smell of rotting dead flesh.

It did not take long before the nasty stench of Grandpa Walter’s old sweaty feet attracted the attention of the ghost cats.

Soon a strong cold ghostly breeze raced through the house towards the living room.  Chairs tipped over; books flew off their shelves; the dear house cats’ fur all stood straight up as they began jumping in circles and hissing; the toilet paper began swinging and swaying as the ghosts roared in.

toilet paper

Mother Squirrel stood frozen in terror as she realized that the rotten smell from grandpa’s feet had been more successful that any of them had ever imagined.  For ghost cats filled Thor’s home.

cats flying

First, the ghost cats rubbed up against Thor’s parents best black clothes covering them with cockle-burry ghost fur. Then, they attacked and shredded the flock of ghost marshmallow birds. It did not take long before they exampled their evil and dangerous trickster ways and flew towards Grandpa Walter intent on tipping the poor old man’s chair over.

Nothing ever scared Grandpa Walter and ghost cats were no exception to this rule.  As they screeched towards him, he calmly leaned forward in his chair, switched on the fan and released his secret weapon.

A fart exploded out of the old fella with such force that it put his swivel rocker into furious spin creating a tornado of stink.  Ghosts may like nasty smells, but even ghost cats are not prepared for the potency of a grandpa fart.

Almost immediately, the ghost cats were caught up in furious fart tornado as it whirled around the room flinging marshmallow birds everywhere and tangling ghosts cats in the toilet paper. Twirling at such great speed the ghost cats were soon completely wrapped up in the toilet paper just like mummies.

cat mummy

Since mummies cannot fly, the ghost cats fell to the floor, too dizzy to move.  Mother Squirrel switched on the lights and the dear house cats sprang immediately into action encasing the toilet-papered ghost cat mummies in layer of duct tape, because everyone knows that duct tape can hold anything.

With the ghost cats completely immobilized, Mother Squirrel felt that she had their attention and explained that their behavior on Halloween was unacceptable.  She did not care how or why they felt compelled to be mean to others, but their behavior needed to change immediately.  Then, she went over grandma’s rules of acceptable behavior one at a time.  Mother Squirrel then asked the cat ghosts to nod if they understood the rules.  As each ghost cat nodded, she gave them a hug and a kiss to the forehead.

That’s when the magic happened. For a gentle kiss to the forehead and loving hug can heal meanness.  In a flash, the duct tape fell away, toilet paper covered the floor, the ghost cats disappeared and in their place were real live perfectly fuzzy white, grey, orange and black calico kittens.


It was then that Grandpa Walter put his thumb under the shiny new penny and flipped it into the air.

The moment the coin hit the floor the King of the Leprechauns appeared. He had been right in the middle of  a rather rowdy Halloween party when he had heard grandpa’s shiny penny summons.  As he rubbed the heads of the purring kittens, the King exclaimed, “I see that those pesky ghost cats were truly sorry for their evil deeds. I suppose they do deserve a do over.  I will see to it that they all find good homes with children who will love them very much! It is good that in the future there will be no more nasty ghost cats, only cats and angel cats. ”


“But, first,” the king continued,”I think these kittens would enjoy attending a Leprechaun Halloween party!”  As quickly as the King had come, he disappeared with the kittens.

At that very moment the front door swung open and Thor, his friends, their parents and Rex returned home from trick or treating to begin their Halloween party.  They all just stopped and stared at the scene before them.

As, Thor’s dad saw a squirrel wearing hat and dress standing in front of what looked like his mother’s rules for good behavior that were stuck to wall with gum; he and his wife’s best black work clothes covered with cockle burrs laying on the floor; and marshmallows, crushed orange-cheese crackers, white feathers, toilet paper and duct tape scattered everywhere,  he calmly turned to a bare-footed Grandpa Walter and asked, “Did you start the party without us?”

As Rex began to wolf down all the marshmallows, and a squirrel began spitting on the dear house cats, Grandpa Walter slowly looked around the room noticing that grandma had not arrived for the party yet and replied, “Pull, my finger!”















What Is On My Mind Today? Enjoying this beautiful Minnesota Day and a Good Laugh!



Squirrels vs. The Church

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

Thor’s Stories: Leprechauns

There are eight different stories in this series about the ingenuity and adventures of a boy named Thor.  If you are looking for a few tales about Leprechauns to share on St. Patrick’s day,   Leprechauns tend to run amok in five of these stories.

Below are links to all of Thor’s adventures and a brief description of the story line.
I hope you and your children enjoy Thor’s Stories.

Morton the Squirrel and the Great Chicken Race.  Thor and Morton begin their battle for supremacy of the backyard when the rascally squirrel goes after the boy’s chickens.

Morton the Squirrel and the Mighty Explosion.  Grandpa Walter saves Thor from an overwhelming squirrel attack.

Thor and Grandpa Walter Find Blueberries and Bigfoot.  Thor and Grandpa Walter find more than just blueberries in the woods on Minnesota’s North Shore.

Thor and the Rooster Pirate King. This story tells about how leprechauns came to own the magic feather they keep in their hats.

The Midnight Dinosaur Rhubarb Rampage. Do your children know how to write in secret leprechaun code?  Thor will show you how in this tale of ingenuity and backyard mayhem.

The Dog with Magical Eyes.  Leprechauns sometimes can be just plain handy, especially when your dog is suffering from magical eyes.

Thor and the Troll Toll.  The King of the Leprechauns has no tolerance for bullies, especially troll ones.

Thor Saves Christmas.  Thor and the leprechauns come to the rescue when Santa’s elves all come down with Blue Snot Flu, 

Thor’s Stories: Thor and the Troll Toll

This is the next story in the saga of young Thor that I wrote two summers ago for my Grandson while I was in the midst of my cancer battle and awaiting remission and a stem cell transplant

In this story Thor learns about the power of love when he has to save his precious hens from a terrible old troll who oozes orange slime.

I have also included the recipe to make Metamucil’s slimy orange flubber.

I hope you enjoy Thor and the Troll Toll!

The Swedish Farmer's Daughter

troll 3.jpeg

It all began with a splat against his bedroom window pane. The splat was Morton the Squirrel, Thor’s arch enemy. The squirrel was stuck to the window with gooey orange slime. Orange-slimed squirrels in the backyard known as “the jungle” could only mean one thing a garden troll was loose and oozing.


Thor quickly ran to the window to take stock of the situation. What greeted his eyes was the face of Ned the one-horned troll drooling and dripping with orange spittle. This troll had eyes as black as midnight, a long nose and chin with hair growing out of his ears.  His ears deserve a special mention due to the fact that the big hairy things hung so low that they rested on his shoulders. The troll used to have two curly horns, but one was broken right off and so now he only had a lefty.

Normally, the leprechauns took care of Ned. They…

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Thor’s Stories: Morton the Squirrel and the Great Chicken Race.

I was looking back over my blog today, and stopped to read the first story I wrote for my grandson about Thor the adventurous boy. I wrote these stories two years ago when I was very sick and crippled during my fight with Multiple Myeloma cancer. I could only sit up for less than a half hour at a time due to the pain from the fractures in my spine. After reading the blog it is clear to me that I will need to edit the rest of the stories as there are some rough spots, but when I think of how I wrote them that summer so that my grandson would have something to remember me by, should I die from either the cancer or the stem cell transplant…I guess some typos aren’t the worst thing in life. I plan to edit all of them and reblog them when finished. I hope you enjoy, “Morton the Squirrel.”

The Swedish Farmer's Daughter

Was684554 Morton the Squirrel

Author’s note:
This series of children’s stories are about an eight-year-old boy named Thor.  Thor’s backyard is his jungle and contains a  tree fort, a large dense undergrowth of plants the humans call a garden, two ferocious cats, a dog with magical eyes who thinks he’s an attack wolf, and six chickens…two with bad attitudes.  Each day Thor enters this primeval wild world and with ordinary household products and quick thinking saves his pets and family from their jungle adversaries. 

Morton the Squirrel and the Great Chicken Race

It was a warm Tuesday afternoon, when Thor becomes distracted from his Minecraft video game by a loud noise his backyard. Tossing down his controller, he raced to the bathroom window for a good look into his backyard…known as the jungle. He carefully scans heavy underbrush and trees with his trusty binoculars. He first checks out the tree fort…it passes inspection. Then, he checks on Rex his dog…

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Thor’s Stories: Morton the Squirrel and the Great Chicken Race.

Morton the Squirrel

Author’s note:
This series of children’s stories are about an eight-year-old boy named Thor.  Thor’s backyard is his jungle and contains a  tree fort, a large dense undergrowth of plants the humans call a garden, two ferocious cats, a dog with magical eyes who thinks he’s an attack wolf, and six chickens…two with bad attitudes.  Each day Thor enters this primeval wild world and with ordinary household products and quick thinking saves his pets and family from their jungle adversaries. 

Morton the Squirrel and the Great Chicken Race

It was a warm Tuesday afternoon, when Thor becomes distracted from his Minecraft video game by a loud noise his backyard. Tossing down his controller, he raced to the bathroom window for a good look into his backyard…known as the jungle. He carefully scans heavy underbrush and trees with his trusty binoculars. He first checks out the tree fort…it passes inspection. Then, he checks on Rex his dog, he’s lying in a muddy hole by his dog house licking his butt…he passes inspection….he looks at the garden and what’s this? The colossal rhubarb leaves, that the midnight dinosaurs like to feast on for snacks, are wiggling suspiciously. Then, he sees it…that flash of fuzzy grey…Morton the squirrel, Thor’s arch enemy was on the hunt for mischief.

Thor immediately swung into action to defend his jungle yard. He quickly runs to his room, looking for his armor and weapons. First he puts on his eye protection…to defend against squirrel spit. That’s right Morton is a spitter. Next, he finds his laser sword and power squirt gun.  Then, he suits up for squirrel fighting action. He pulls on his knee high rubber boots and stuffs pairs of his dirty smelly underwear into the tops of the boots to repel a squirrel boot invasion. He wasn’t having that happen twice. Dressed for taking on the challenge of Morton, Thor heads outside into….the jungle.

His first obstacle is to open the great great gate to the wall that surrounds the jungle. This wooden barrier reaches to the sky and was built to protect the yard from hordes of invaders of all types…especially girls.

As he slowly opens the gate, he peers around the edge to see if Morton was still in the rhubarb patch. Nope, there was no sign of him there. Thor slowly starts making his way to his tree fort, holding his squirt gun at the ready, looking to the left, then….to the right….then back to the left. Carefully keeping his eyes open for that mischievous spitting squirrel.

Just as he gets halfway to the fort, Rex lets out a howl. Thor spins around and fires his squirt gun. His aim was off and the water goes right into Rex’s mouth, but that didn’t help dislodge the squirrel resting on top of Rex’s head. Morton quickly leaps to his feet on Rex’s head and starts doing the squirrel victory dance of jumping up and down, and swirling while wiggling his butt at Thor. A pitiful sight to be sure.

Thor narrowed his eyes in determination as he quietly pumped up the pressure in his squirt gun to get a long shot and then fired again. This time the powerful water stream knocked Morton off of Rex’s back. Unfazed, that crazy squirrel began running right toward Thor’s rubber boots. Morton must have smelled the stinky dirty underwear in the boots prevention measures for he veered off and ran right into the chicken coop and slammed the door shut.

Oh the racket in the coop!!! There rose a loud chorus of chicken squawking, rooster crowing and squirrel squeaking. Thor ran as fast as he could to save the chickens. He flung open the door and what did he see? Morton laughing joyfully as he rode chickens around and around the coop like a cowboy on a bucking horse.

As boy of action, Thor dove into the coop to grab that squirrel off of his chickens. The door to the coop swung open and out raced the chickens across the yard. Oh, but was that a scene! The chickens running like scared deer with a squirrel jumping from chicken to chicken as he rode them around the yard with Thor in hot pursuit spraying them all with water trying to knock Morton off of the chicken’s backs.

During all of this commotion Rex just sat in front of his dog house watching the show. Eventually he was joined by Boots and Suzy,  Thor’s cats, who also decided spectating was the better part of valor.

Just when it began to appear that the chickens were tiring and Thor would be able to grab Morton, that silly cat Boots decided that chicken racing looked fun and the next time the chickens ran by–she and Suzy both jumped on a chicken and started racing against Morton. Thor for a moment had to stop and just watch the beauty of those cats riding the chickens….they really were gifted.  That’s when Rex started to howl.

Thor snapped back into action and realized that he had to use another weapon if he was ever going to stop the chicken race. What he needed was a magic potion that was so strong that no chicken could ever ignore it. Yes, Thor, thought he must use the ultimate chicken control potion to get them to stop running and follow him back into the chicken coop. He needed….angle worms!!!

He quickly went into the underbrush of dense plant growth the humans call a garden and dug out some worms with the tip of his laser sword. He raised the worm covered sword high above his head stopping the chicken’s in their tracks. The chickens’ sudden stop caused Morton and the cats to fly straight over the chicken’s heads and get covered in mud as they slid right though Rex’s trusty mud hole and went sailing right into the dog house.

Before Morton knew where he even was, Rex stepped on his tail to hold him still until Thor came back from getting the chickens into the coop. The chickens in a magic worm trance meekly followed Thor back in to the coop as the cats began to take a bath in Rex’s water dish.  Darn cats!

Thor tucked the chickens safely back into their beds and kissed them good night, then, ran outside to deal with Morton. As Rex guarded the prisoner, Thor got the hose and filled the bird bath to over flowing. He knew that the one thing Morton hated above all was having to take a bath. When the bird bath was full to the brim, he grabbed Morton by the tail and gave that naughty squirrel a good scrubbing.

There is nothing more humiliating to a squirrel than to have a bath. So Thor scrubbed him extra good and rinsed him out with the hose before hanging Morton by his ears on the clothes line to dry out. Morton was spitting mad at being bested by Thor.  Morton shook his fist at Thor and shouted, “I’ll give you the bath next time!”

After Morton was dry, his squirrel mom. Ol’ Betts came and got him off the clothesline to take him home. She nicely thanked Thor for cleaning her son’s fur up and clearly indicated that she would be cleaning up his language when she got him home. She apologized for all of the mayhem that Morton had caused and scooted away carrying her young son over her shoulder.

Thor turned the hose off and was just heading inside the house when his dad got home from work. His dad asked Thor what he’d been doing all day. Thor’s answer is always the same, “Nothin, much, Dad.” Although his dad did wonder about the mystery of the tired chickens and the wet cats.