Tag Archives: Humor

Christmas Riddles

These Christmas riddles are fun. Enjoy!

The Swedish Farmer's Daughter

Santa Claus

As a former preschool teacher, I have quite a collection of Christmas riddles and as we all know Christmas is the time of year when everyone gets a little Santamental.

I hope you enjoy sharing this holiday humor with your little folk and your not so little folk. Merry Christmas!

Christmas Riddles

Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble?
It’s true….Comet cleans sinks!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

How would you fire Santa?
Give him the sack…

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Mistletoe toe!

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A subordinate Claus.

If Santa rode a motorcycle, what kind would it be?
A Holly Davidson.

The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

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What Is On My Mind Today? Enjoying this beautiful Minnesota Day and a Good Laugh!

 

squirrel

Squirrels vs. The Church

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

What Is On My Mind Today: Expensive Canvas and the Failing Grade

What is on my mind today is an expensive canvas that Doug bought for me this weekend. I have been oil painting on el cheapo student quality canvas for months, and, well, this canvas is the big league.

I am going to have to apply myself.  Which always reminds me of the first time that anyone saw my potential and forced me to apply myself.  I should have been the poster child for world class under achievers.  Somehow I managed to scholastically skate through school never being challenged by a teacher to work up to “my” potential until a fateful day in college.

This momentous occasion for self-reflection occurred over a paper I submitted to a professor.  He gave me an F. Before the shock of receiving a failing grade had even fully penetrated my consciousness, the old guy made all of the students in that class read their papers out loud.

After the shaming had been completed,  I vigorously protested my grade by pointing out very specifically that my paper was a hell of a lot better than the blonde girl’s!  Calmly the professor walked over to me.  Looked me right in the eyes and responded that, yes, my paper was better than hers.  For her that was A work.  For me, it was F work. As she sat there and beamed with pride, he concluded my very public critique by adding that in the future it might help if I did not watch television while writing papers for him. That is, if I planned to pass his course.

It was the only F, I had ever received! Oh, the outrage! A publicly outed F and being beaten in any fashion by a blonde!  Especially, a blonde that had no idea she had just been highly insulted.

I knew two things at that moment: that old professor was a lot sharper mentally than he dressed, or than I gave him credit for; and, if he wanted an A paper, an A paper is exactly what that man was going to get.

I applied myself writing the next week’s paper. I received an A+ and eventually aced his course.  He ended up being one of the professors that I asked to write a recommendation for me to be included in my college placement credentials.  I never read any of my college placement credential recommendations for over ten years after I graduated. When I finally asked for a copy to review, it surprised me that he wrote about that paper.  It amazed me to know that the A+ he gave me on that paper was the only A+ he had given out that entire year.

Yes, expensive canvases always pressure me. They must filled with some fantastic topic excellently executed, but for some reason…I just want to paint Hereford bulls fighting in a mesocyclone.  

Moral of story: Don’t judge a professor by his obvious lack of ownership or ability to use a clothes iron when he has the power to really mess up your grade point average. 

Thor’s Stories: Leprechauns

There are eight different stories in this series about the ingenuity and adventures of a boy named Thor.  If you are looking for a few tales about Leprechauns to share on St. Patrick’s day,   Leprechauns tend to run amok in five of these stories.

Below are links to all of Thor’s adventures and a brief description of the story line.
I hope you and your children enjoy Thor’s Stories.

Morton the Squirrel and the Great Chicken Race.  Thor and Morton begin their battle for supremacy of the backyard when the rascally squirrel goes after the boy’s chickens.

Morton the Squirrel and the Mighty Explosion.  Grandpa Walter saves Thor from an overwhelming squirrel attack.

Thor and Grandpa Walter Find Blueberries and Bigfoot.  Thor and Grandpa Walter find more than just blueberries in the woods on Minnesota’s North Shore.

Thor and the Rooster Pirate King. This story tells about how leprechauns came to own the magic feather they keep in their hats.

The Midnight Dinosaur Rhubarb Rampage. Do your children know how to write in secret leprechaun code?  Thor will show you how in this tale of ingenuity and backyard mayhem.

The Dog with Magical Eyes.  Leprechauns sometimes can be just plain handy, especially when your dog is suffering from magical eyes.

Thor and the Troll Toll.  The King of the Leprechauns has no tolerance for bullies, especially troll ones.

Thor Saves Christmas.  Thor and the leprechauns come to the rescue when Santa’s elves all come down with Blue Snot Flu, 

Recipe: Christmas Trivia and George Washington’s Eggnog

Santa thumbs up

You cannot beat a nicely spiked cup of Eggnog on cold winter days such as the ones we are experiencing.

Then, too, Christmas Trivia is always a good read.

Christmas Trivia:

George Washington crossed the Delaware River on Christmas Day 1776.

It was in 350 A.D that Julius I, Bishop of Rome chose December 25 to celebrate the birthday of Jesus Christ.

The first Christmas tree decorated in the White House was during the Franklin Pierce Administration.

Calvin Coolidge in 1923 lit the first Christmas tree on the White House lawn.

When it pays to send the best… The first official White House Christmas card was sent by President Dwight D. Eisenhower. He asked a friend, Joyce. C. Hall, the founder of Hallmark Cards, for help. Hallmark has supplied the official presidential holiday cards ever since.

The first tinsel was made in 1878 and distributed in Nuremberg, Germany. These icicles were made from thin strips of silver foil and became a huge success in America.

During the Christmas/Hanukkah season, more than 1.76 billion candy canes will be made.

Angel hair is spun glass and was first made in 1880. Germans used it to make garlands to decorate their homes. Americans tended to just toss it all over their Christmas tree for an overall frosty effect.

The first Christmas tree to sport electric lights was illuminated in 1882 and and stood in the home of Edward Johnson, a New York resident and friend of Thomas Edison.

There are over one hundred and forty different types of Holly. Holly grows all over the world and is often used as a decoration for winter holidays. Because it sets fruit in the winter it became a symbol for immortality. To Christians holly’s thorns represent the crown of thorns that Christ wore on the cross. The red berries represent his blood.

According to the National Christmas Tree Growers website there are about 25 -30 million Christmas Trees sold every year in the United States.  These trees are grown in all 50 states on almost 15,000 farms on over 350,000 acres employing over 100,000 people full or part-time.  For every tree that is harvested, one to three seedlings are planted the following spring.

The average time it takes for a tree to reach the most popular Christmas tree height of six feet is seven years. The most common varieties are: balsam fir, Douglas-fir, Fraser fir, noble-fir, Scotch pine, Virginia pine and white pine.

Christmas trees are edible. Many parts of pines, spruces, and firs can be eaten. The needles are a good source of vitamin C. Pine nuts, or pine cones, are also a good source of nutrition.

China produces 80% of all artificial Christmas trees.

Christmas trees are known to have been popular in Germany as far back as the sixteenth century. In England, they became popular after Queen Victoria’s husband Albert, who came from Germany, made a tree part of the celebrations at Windsor Castle. In the United States, the earliest known mention of a Christmas tree is in the diary of a German who settled in Pennsylvania.

To estimate how many lights you will need on your Christmas tree, simply multiply the height of the tree times the width of the tree at its widest part times 3.

A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.

In 1647, the English parliament passed a law that made Christmas illegal. Festivities were banned by Puritan leader, Oliver Cromwell, who considered feasting and revelry, on what was supposed to be a holy day, to be immoral. The ban was lifted only when the Puritans lost power in 1660.

At lavish Christmas feasts in the Middle Ages, swans and peacocks were sometimes served “endored.” This meant the flesh was painted with saffron dissolved in melted butter. In addition to their painted flesh, endored birds were served wrapped in their own skin and feathers, which had been removed and set aside prior to roasting.

During the Christmas buying season, Visa cards alone are used an average of 5,340 times every minute in the United States.

Toys for Tots began just after World War II in 1947.

Don’t give the gift of food poisoning this holiday season. It is estimated that 400,000 people become sick each year from eating tainted Christmas leftovers.

George Washington’s Eggnog

1 quart of milk, (from your own cows)
1 quart of cream, (skimmed from the milk from your own cows)
1 dozen eggs, (from your own chickens)
1 dozen tablespoons sugar
1 pint of brandy
½ pint rye whiskey
¼ pint Jamaica or New England rum (nothing from England, please)
¼ pint sherry

Mix liquor first. Separate yolks and whites of eggs. Beat the yolks. Then, add sugar to beaten yolks. Mix well. Add liquor mixture, drop by drop at first, slowly beating. Beat whites of eggs until stiff and fold slowly into mixture, Let set in cool place for several days.

Recipes: Bring Peace to the Thanksgiving Table…The Mother-In-Law’s Pumpkin Pie

 

pumpkin-pie

As any new bride quickly learns there are certain recipes made by a husband’s mother that he really likes a lot.  Try as she might the wife just seems to never be able to make some things, “as good as mom’s.”

There are several theories for why this might be true.  First, it could be a question of the mother-in-law having superior baking skills learned over a lifetime.  Nawwwww….it’s probably that the recipes have been tweaked a bit and those tweaks are not need to know information, therefore not shared. At any rate, there once was a woman who was having just this type of a situation with….her mother-in-law’s pumpkin pie.

Pumpkin pie was this woman’s, husband’s favorite pie. It was indisputable, in that family, that his mother baked them better than anyone else.  To protect her place in her son’s affections and palate, the mother-in-law would never share her pumpkin pie recipe with anyone.  Nor, would she allow anyone in her kitchen while she was making this outstanding masterpiece of Thanksgiving delight.

This was never a problem while the good mother-in-law was alive. For it was a strict tradition that she would provide the pumpkin pies at every family get together.  However, after the well-loved woman passed behind the veil, Thanksgiving pies became an absolute nightmare for her daughter-in-law.

Every year she would try to find a recipe that was as good as her mother-in-law’s.  She asked friends for their favorite recipe. She even went so far as to take classes in pie making.  Year after year, pie after pie the result was always the same…”not as good as mom’s.”

Now this young woman had much more patience than God ever measured out for me.  I am pretty sure that at some point, a pumpkin pie would have ceased to be a dessert and would have be transformed into a high velocity missile.  Of course, at that point, I would have, had something to repent and be thankful for…retribution and excellent aim.

Eventually, even this saint of woman reached the end of her pie providing patience.  She just gave up trying to duplicate her mother-in-law’s favorite pumpkin pie recipe and used the recipe on the back of the Libby’s pumpkin pie filling can.

At the dinner table surrounded by family and friends, as she served the pumpkin pie garnished with a roll of her eyes. Her husband took one bite and enthusiastically exclaimed, “Just like what mom used to make!”

So in the interest of promoting domestic tranquility and harmony around this year’s Thanksgiving table,  here is the recipe from the back of a Libby’s 100% Pure Pumpkin, 15 ounce can.  You know, the one that is “just as good as mom used to make.”

May your Thanksgiving Day be filled with kindness, good-will and love. May any and all friction between families and friends be healed.  May we all be thankful for what is most important…each other. May everyone have safe travel. May we all take time to thank a loving God for his many blessings!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Libby’s Pumpkin Pie Recipe

Preheat oven to 425 degrees

Buttery Flaky Pie Crust:
1 1/4 cups of all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup chilled butter, diced
1/4 cup ice water

In a large bowl, combine flour and salt.  Cut in butter with two knives, or a pastry cutter until the mixture resembles course crumbs.  Stir in water, a tablespoon at a time, until the mixture forms into a ball.  Sometimes I do have to add an extra tablespoon or two of water.
Wrap in plastic and chill for 1-2 hours.

On a lightly floured surface, roll dough out to fit 9-inch pie plate.  Place dough in pie plate, spread out evenly and pinch the pie dough edges up until they are about 1/4 inch above pie plate rim.

Pumpkin Pie Filling

3/4 cups granulated sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
2 large eggs
1 can (15-ounce) Libby’s 100% Pure Pumpkin
1 can (12-ounce) Carnation Evaporated Milk
1 unbaked 9-inch pie crust

In a medium-sized mixing bowl combine sugar, salt and spices.  In a separate small bowl beat eggs until combined.  Add beaten eggs, pumpkin to the sugar and spice mixture. Gradually add the evaporated milk.  Beat with whisk until combined and smooth.  Pour into pie shell.

Bake in 425 degree oven for 15 minutes.  Reduce oven temperature to 350 degrees and bake for an additional 40-50 minutes or until a knife inserted in the center of the pie comes out clean.  Cool and serve with whipped cream.

Blogger’s note: In the interest of recipe full disclosure…I use 1/4 cup brown sugar and 1/2 cup white sugar. I also cut back just a little bit on the cloves. 

Happy Thanksgiving!