Category Archives: Thor’s stories

Thor’s Stories: Possum Passel Posse Panic

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Thor and his best friend Rex, his trusty dog, certainly had a great time celebrating Independence Day…July 4th.  Grandpa Walter and grandma had come to visit and went with Thor and his parents to view their town’s big parade and fireworks extravaganza.  After they all got home from the fireworks they toasted the great United States just as the forefathers had intended…with root beer floats. Even Rex ended up with a vanilla ice cream mustache.

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It had been a late night.  So, it was extremely inconvenient when Thor and Rex were rudely awakened from a sound sleep by hysterical hen hallooing.

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Thor ran to the window to look into his backyard, called the jungle, to see what the reason was for the ruckus. Thor’s eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw the cause of the chicken crisis….it was a possum passel posse panic.

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A group of possums is called a passel.

A possum passel posse panic is what happens when a party of possums invade a chicken coop to steal eggs and eat chickens.

It did not take Thor long to realize that the possum passel posse had penetrated the poultry pen and was pinching primary production products…the big ugly rats were already stealing eggs and stalking hens.  For a possum, the egg always comes before the chicken.

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With the poultry pen penetrated, and its perimeter compromised, it was just a matter of time until the eggs disappeared and the possum passel posse of jacks, jills and joeys began to focus their foray on the chickens.

While panic rarely helps, there is a time for it and this was one of those times.

Thor raced to the entrance of the jungle, opened the gate door and ordered Rex to attack!  Rex charged straight away at the enemy!  Then, he took one look at those rows of sharp teeth on those ratty faces with the insane grins and he hit the brakes.  Choosing the better part of valor, Rex treated at full speed to escape the jungle and the miscreant marauding marsupials.

                                            Rex charging.                        Rex in full retreat. 

As Rex blasted between Thor’s legs almost knocking him off his feet, Thor let out a loud plea for help to save his beloved chickens.

The call for immediate assistance was sure to go unanswered as Thor’s parents had left for work long ago.  Thor had defended his chickens so many times before, but this was different, this wasn’t about kidnapping, capture or ransom this was a matter of life or death.

Thor’s hens with their sharp pecking beaks and flailing wings were still bravely defending their eggs and each other, but they were tiring.  A massacre by miscreant marauding marsupials was merely a matter of minutes.

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What Thor needed and needed badly was a big old mean rooster who had a razor sharp beak and talons, enjoyed a good fight, knew no fear, ignored all rules, never fought fair, believed mercy was for wimps, took no prisoners and never left any survivors.

Yup, this would have been the perfect job for Red Beard, The Rooster Pirate King.  Except Thor had bested the rooster pirate king long ago and that old boy was cooling his de-taloned heels in a cage at the farm for wayward roosters and misbehaving chicken rehabilitation center located far outside of town in the country.

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There was no time to mope over what could have been, Thor knew he had to deal with the here and now and that meant formulating a practically perfect possum-proof passel posse impasse plan.

Thor raced into the house to get his safety glasses for eye protection, two spoons, a bright coppery new penny, pencil, envelope, a piece of scotch tape, duct tape, rubber gloves, a bunch of mismatched black socks, a paper party hat, and umbrella. He stuck a whole unopened package of  firecrackers in his front pants pocket, grabbed four red, white and blue helium balloons that he’d brought home from the fireworks the night before, a dog leash and his trumpet.  Then, stormed off into the jungle to save his chickens!

The situation in the jungle was growing more dire for his chickens by the second.  There was no time to lose!

Thor quickly put the bowls of the spoons together, held on to the handles, and began rapidly clacking them together. As you know, this is the secret alarm to alert leprechauns. Thor scribbled a quick note to the Leprechaun King on the roll of toilet paper regarding the possum attack that read, “Help…possums passel posse panic….eggs gone….chickens in grave danger!”

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After finishing his note, Thor taped the penny into the center of the roll of toilet paper and shoved it down the blue door in the hollow tree that was the gateway to the leprechaun world.  As you know, sending a message to leprechauns costs one shiny new penny.

Next, Thor set his trumpet on the picnic table, tied a loop in the end of each balloon’s string and bolted towards the passel of possums who were just about to grab their first chicken.

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As Thor ran he pulled the package of firecrackers out of his pocket.  Waving the pack of firecrackers wildly above his head and screaming like a banshee he charged the possums.  Banshee screaming had been taught to Thor by the leprechauns for just such types of emergencies. For just a moment the possums backed away from their poultry prize to assess the level of danger from this boy and his fist full of finger, toe and tail removing explosives.

Now possums are curious creatures.  They are ugly, look like big rats, have a long slimy snake tail, beady black eyes, fifty sharp little teeth for gnawing up their victims and when threatened they waddle fast, growl, belch, pee and poop on themselves.

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They also are known for “playing possum.”  They roll over shut their eyes, put their feet in the air and pretend to be dead. While in this position foam bubbles out of their mouths and nasty smelling juices come out of their butts.  They smelled worse than Grandpa Walter’s farts after he has gorged himself on brats, sauerkraut, and beans.  Possums can pretend to play dead for up to four hours.  Grand Walter’s brat, sauerkraut and bean farts can be deadly for much longer than that if you take a direct hit.

Before the possums had time to realized that Thor was not allowed to play with matches or light fireworks when his parents were not home and they were in no danger from the firecrackers, Thor had looped a balloon string onto the ankle of each of his chickens and had them quickly floating aloft to roost high in the trees.

Life would be so much harder for chicken chasing varmints if chickens would just learn to fly.  Thor figured the reason chickens never learned to fly was it is just too hard to do when you are all breasts and thighs.

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With the chickens out of harm’s way, the possums focused all of their rage on Thor.  They began advancing on the boy….slinking forward, ferociously growling and relishing the idea of sinking their sharp teeth into Thor’s flesh and gnawing on him to revenge their lost chicken feast.

Thor stood his ground, glaring right back at those vicious little beasts.  When the possums were almost close enough to pounce, Thor sounded the trumpet that would never call retreat and grabbed his umbrella.

At that moment small little white ghostly figures began popping up out of the ground all over the place.  There is nothing scarier than an army of tiny ghosts who would love nothing more than to crawl up your nose or into your ears to eat your brains.  The possums stopped their snarling, peeing and pooping and froze.

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The ghost in the lead was wearing the King of the Leprechaun’s hat with the magic feather he had plucked from the rooster pirate king so very long ago.  Once the king had put that feather in his cap, he’d never once removed it….until now!

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With a tug, the feather was free from his hat and with a loud “pop” there stood Red Beard the Rooster Pirate King in all of his masculine glory with his blazing red eyes, flowing tail feathers and razor sharp talons encased in expensive black Italian thigh-high pirate boots with exquisite golden high heels.

If just the sight of all of those tiny ghosts had frozen the possums in their tracks. The appearance of the rooster pirate king flipped them on their backs.

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               A horse kindly exampling a possum playing dead. 

There were upside down possums playing dead all over the place.  Feet in the air, mouths wide open with drool and foam running down their chins.

possums playing dead

Once the possums had assumed the position of a bloated cow, Thor aimed his umbrella toward the prone pests and rapidly flapped it open and closed with all of the speed he could muster.  When he had created a wind great enough to push any possum stench away from the jungle. Several of the tiny ghosts, who turned out to be leprechauns, tore off their toilet paper sheets and raced to securely toilet paper diaper the unconscious rats before stinky juices escaped the possum’s poop maker.

The largest gathering of people dressed as leprechauns was 262 leprechauns who gathered at Canal Theatre, Dublin to celebrate Guinness World Records Day 2011

Operation bundle butts was a great success and the jungle remained smelling minty fresh. The rest of the leprechauns threw off their white tissue disguises and shouted a loud hurrah!  Then, they all enjoyed a good laugh at the expense of the possums.

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It was a good thing that Thor’s dad had just aerated the lawn.  In a flash those small green people disappeared down all of those little holes just as quickly as they had popped out of them.

As the rooster pirate king strutted around the jungle proudly displaying his broad chest and incredibly attractive plumage, the hens saw him, dissolved into silly giggles, immediately swooned and fell out of the tree.  The balloons gently drifted those ditzy dazed hens back to the jungle floor.

The rooster looked those chicks over and liked what he saw.

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As much as that Rooster would have like to spend a bit more time with those chicks after so many years of being in a prison for misbehaving roosters, he was still a pirate….and those possums had tried to plunder the wrong pirate. They needed to be taught a lesson about what happens when you mess with a pirate or his chicks.

With all of the possums still playing dead, Red Beard got right to work. First, he removed his fancy custom-made Italian boots to use the sharp talons on his feet to pluck out all fifty teeth from each possum.  It would have been more efficient for him to use his sharp beak, but he wasn’t getting his handsome face or sweet breath anywhere near foaming, reeking possum drool.

Soon the possum passel that had created such poultry panic were left with nothing but toothless gums and flabby lips.  Red Beard stood back to appreciate the moment and admire himself and his excellent dentistry.

After thoroughly washing his feet in Rex’s water dish, the rooster pulled on his pirate boots.  However, Red Beard was not done with these foragers of fragile feathered females…not by a long shot.

First, he thought about pecking their eyes out so they would never be able to see another chicken.  Or, maybe cutting off their long tails so that they would forever be called stumpy.  He would give the severed wormy looking appendages to Grandpa Walter to use in place of night-crawlers for fish bait.  Then, too, he could easily snip off all of their toenails preventing them from ever again scratching for bugs to eat.  Yes, yes, slow painful starvation…that is what they deserved.

                                     Possum tail.                                                  Night-crawler worms

Lucky for those possums, what they richly deserved was not something Thor was about to allow to happen.  Even slimy, stinking, sewer rats deserve forgiveness. However, there are consequences for actions and Thor was not interested in ever witnessing another possum passel posse poultry panic. No chicken ever deserves to be bullied or fear harm.

As he contemplated the fate of the possums, Thor noticed that Pirate Rooster King was winking and flashing dimpled smiles at the lovesick hens. Why that vane rooster was actually trying to convince the most gullible little gal to take a peek under his patch. It was at that moment, Thor made a decision.

He put on his rubber gloves, grabbed the black socks and duct tape.  Thor then picked up each jack, jill and joey, put them bottom first into a sock. Then, used duct tape to wrap each possum into neat little bundles with just their heads and tail tips peeking out.

When he had finished his possum mummification project, Thor put them all into a large basket.  Next he tied the helium balloons to the basket and just before he sent those possums heavenward, he wrote a note to the farmer who owned the farm for wayward roosters and the misbehaving chicken rehabilitation center.

Dear Mr. Farmer,

I am sending you a package of a possum passel for rehabilitation. If there is anyone that can make mice of these marsupial menaces it is you.  Beware!  Both ends of these varmints are juicy and stinky.  Handle with care.  Seek out large quantities of old lady’s perfumes and keep them handy should possum juices leakage occur.  We have taken the liberty of removing all of their sharp little teeth rendering them harmless to chickens and your corn harvest.   In exchange for your assistance in this matter, I will assume full responsibility for the Red Beard, The Rooster Pirate King.  His contribution to averting the possum passel posse panic in my poultry pen proved particularly perfect! I believe his rehabilitation has been successful and look forward to having a pirate living in the jungle.  

Sincerely,

Thor

After Thor signed and addressed his letter to the farmer, it was tri-folded, put in an envelope, enveloped sealed and handed to the King of the Leprechauns. Then, Thor let go of the balloons and the possum passel peacefully floated towards the heavens.

Everyone knew that there was not enough helium in those balloons to get that passel of possum packets to the farmer.  So, the Leprechaun King said that he’d take care of it. As soon as those balloons cleared the trees, a rush of wings was heard and a great bald eagle swooped down with the the King of the Leprechauns riding on his back.  The king grabbed the basket’s handle and away they all went.

The king and eagle circled the jungle once. Then, they went into a steep dive.  Before Red Beard knew what pinched him, the king had plucked out the rooster’s longest tail feather and stuck it in his hat.

As they flew into the clouds the king hollered, “Red Beard, behave yourself and follow Thor’s rules or this magic feather will send you right back into the cage you came from!”  With a wave to Thor, the eagle and the King of the Leprechauns flew off with the possum passel posse package.

Thor walked over to his chickens.  They all quieted down as Thor looked the rangy rooster right in the eye and said, “Red Beard, I think you will fit in well here in the jungle.  I will expect you to guard my hens and their eggs.  It is your responsibility to keep all possums and possum passels out of the jungle forever.

However, if you are going to stay there are going to be a few rules.  Your pirate hat, boots and outfit will have to go.  You must look like a regular rooster. No foul fowl language.  And, those long sharp talons of yours must be always kept trimmed short.  First, time I see a scratch on any member of our jungle family ….it’s back to the farm for wayward roosters for you!”

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The Rooster Pirate King cocked his head to the side as he thought about Thor’s offer.  It would be hard to not be a pirate anymore, he loved plundering so….but he liked chicks more.  Off went his pirate clothes, boots and hat.  The hens nearly fainted just watching the show.

Thor had one more task to finish, he took the dog leash and walked out of the jungle, across the driveway and reached under his neighbor’s porch.  It did not take too long before his hand came into contact with a familiar dog collar.  Snap, on went the leash!  A very embarrassed Rex crawled out from under the porch just in time to have Morton the spitting squirrel pitch a wet one right into his face.

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Rex let out a howl and the chase was on.  Back into the jungle he ran after that pesky squirrel.  Morton scrambled up the nearest tree and began raining juicy lucys down onto Rex and Thor.

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Thor’s safety glasses provided excellent eye protect from warm squirrel saliva, so he enjoyed watching Morton’s mother sneak up behind her less than obedient son.  Just as he was about to let go another volley of squirrel spit wads both of his ears were grabbed simultaneously by his mother so hard she jerked him right off of his feet. She then threw him over her shoulder and marched home to give that boy a well-deserved time out.

Rex sat patiently waiting for Thor to put the party hat of humiliation on his head.  Rex knew the rule. When you choose to take the better part of valor…retreat…you also choose to wear the hat.

Just then Thor’s dad walked into the jungle. As he looked around the jungle for Thor, he noticed that Rex was wearing the hat of humiliation, toilet paper littered the grass, there were several deflated balloons in the rhubarb, an umbrella was hanging from the clothes line, duct tape and Thor’s trumpet were on the picnic table, a tiny pirate outfit including a hat and some really amazing boots were flung around the outside of the chicken coop, there was a pile of sharp little white chips that looked a lot like teeth in the garden and a large red rooster wearing an eye patch was in the hen house.

Thor’s dad asked, “Son, what did you do today?”

Thor responded, “Nothin much dad.”

It was then his dad spied something strange…a package of fireworks laying on the ground.  He walked over and picked them up and held them in front of Thor.  Thor knew that telling the truth no matter what, is what is most important, even when the truth will get you in trouble. “Dad.”  Thor explained, “You told me never to light matches or set off fireworks when you were not home.  The package was never opened and you will not find any matches missing. But I did take them out of the house. ”

Thor’s dad pocketed the firecrackers and walked with Thor to the shed to get rakes to clean up all of the toilet paper and….teeth?

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Thor Stories: The Fence….Nothing Is Harder to Defeat Than Grandma and Minnesota Gophers

Thor was just finishing washing and wiping the breakfast dishes.  He didn’t mind doing this chore as he could look out of the kitchen window that was over the sink and survey his backyard….otherwise known as…the jungle.

Rex

As he looked out the kitchen window he saw Rex, his trusty dog sniffing along the bottom of the backyard fence.  This fence was all that kept the jungle in and troublemakers at bay.  Why without the fence Ned the fainting goat would wander off and pass out only heaven knows where; there’s just no telling what kind of trouble Morton the Spitting Squirrel would cause for neighbors; and protecting the jungle from dinosaurs, rooster pirate kings, farting trolls, cat ghosts and mischief makers of all varieties and sizes would present an even greater challenge.  Yes, his backyard fence was just as essential as its big door that lets folks go safely in and out.

No sooner did he finish his sublime thoughts about the importance of the jungle’s fence, than heard Rex utter a loud yelp. Quick as a wink the whole dog disappeared under the fence in a “Pop”!

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Thor spun on his heels and ran to the calendar…sure enough it was strawberry picking season. That means that Gus the buck-toothed  gopher, along with his family and friends, had burrowed under the fence and let Rex loose as part of their plan to decimate the strawberry patch.

Thor knew that of all of the enemies that had caused mischief in the jungle none were harder to beat than Minnesota Gophers.  Saving his strawberries from the gophers would be a supreme challenge.  Especially, since Rex was now stuck on the other side of the fence, howling his heart out.

First things first, Thor opened up the front door of his house and hollered “Dog Treats.” Rex was there in a flash.  With his trusty canine friend by his side Thor quickly began to formulate a “Save The Strawberry” game plan.

Going one to one with a  Minnesota gopher is never good strategy.  Too exhausting and too easy to trip.  No, what was going to be required here was a very offensive team with an even more offensive gopher elimination plan.  Thor had no choice, he was going to have to call Grandpa Walter.

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Vicki Lawrence as Mama in Carol Burnett Show

Grandma answered Thor’s phone call.  Thor got out two words…gophers and strawberries.

The line went dead.

He was on his own.

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Bill Murray in the movie Caddy Shack

Thor had watched gopher fighting training movies and had learned that to catch a wily rodent you have to think like a wily rodent.

Morton.  Yes, Morton the spitting squirrel, Thor’s arch enemy was an expert at the obnoxious.  He would be just the ticket.

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Thor grabbed his protective eyeglasses, rain hat and coat, rubber boots and umbrella, opened the mighty gate in his fence and entered the jungle.

The vision that greeted his eyes was disturbing.  Gophers gnawing away on fresh strawberry after strawberry. Their buck teeth emitting non-stop chatter like the clicker of the telegraph operator on the Titanic.  Strawberries as doomed as the ship.

He had to find Morton!

Thor braced himself to be assailed with spit wads and slimey loogies only to discover that Morton had gone over to the dark side.  He was taking a nap on top of the chicken coop.  At times, squirrels can be worse than useless.

Rex and Thor raced back into the house to formulate another plan.  First, Thor went down into the basement to get a plastic bucket.  Then, he went into the kitchen to get a fork, Styrofoam plate, a jar of maraschino cherries, a strong rubber band and a towel.  Thor grabbed his favorite cat and headed for the jungle.

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By now the chickens were sounding the alarm, which made Rex began to howl again.  All of the noise distracted the gophers from their strawberry patch raid long enough for Thor to hook the wire handle of the pail into the fork, and fit the fork to the rubber band like an arrow against a bow string.  Thor pulled the rubber band as far as he could and let fly.

The bucket sailed through the air landing right in the middle of the patch. Since, everyone knows that a Minnesota gopher cannot resist getting a bucket, the gophers raced for the bucket excitingly dribbling all over the place.  Gus the biggest gopher was the center lead and got to the bucket first.   No sooner had he run into the  bucket and claimed it as his own than the cat pounced on top of the bucket trapping Gus.

With their leader rendered helpless, the other gophers forgot their game plan.  They  began running around completely disoriented as their dribbling increased two-fold. It was a foul scene. At that very moment the backyard gate crashed open with a bang as loud as a shot out of a cannon.

There stood Grandma!   Wrinkled stockings and knees sagging down to her ankles with a huge kettle in one hand and large metal spoon in the other.  She began to bang on the kettle with the spoon with all her might creating sound so loud it would make thunder blush.  Of course this woke up Morton the Squirrel who immediately began spitting at grandma.

The situation was quickly getting out of control.  Thor took out his rubber band and loaded it with a maraschino cherry.  He aimed carefully and just as Morton took another deep breath before he lobbed another spit loogie at grandma, Thor let the cherry fly.  Into Morton’s mouth it sailed and he swallowed it with a gulp.  The high levels of artificial red dye and sweetener from the Maraschino cherry put Morton into an immediate sugar coma and he fell fast asleep.

Thor threw grandma the clean towel so that she could rid herself of squirrel spit.

Then, he did the most cruel thing he had ever done to an animal in his life, because Thor knew that you cannot show any mercy to Minnesota gophers or they will beat you every time. He pulled out the Styrofoam plate and flashed the gophers with a non-recycleable item.  The horror! With the environment of the jungle supremely compromised, the dazed shrieking gophers cried foul for being so severely penalized for merely being off-sides and double dribbling. They quickly bolted for the fence to get out of bounds.

By now grandma had cleaned off all of the squirrel residue along with most of her makeup, and was walking towards the bucket being guarded by the cat.  Grandma tipped the bucket up and grabbed Gus.  She then benched him by the picnic table.

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Vicki Lawrence

She eyed him over as she said, “Well, what have we here? Looks to me like we have ourselves a strawberry thief. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

Gus thought about it and then blurted out, “I did not take any strawberries.”  “You cannot prove that I did.”

Grandma’s eyes narrowed to a squint as she glared down at him over the rims of her bifocal glasses.  “Do I look like I was born yesterday?”  You have strawberry juice stains  around your mouth, your big buck teeth are as pink as a sunburned pig’s butt and your feet look like you’ve been line-dancing barefoot at a bloody vampire festival! Gus, you make bad choices. Do you know what we do to strawberry thieves in these parts?”

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Gus negatively shook his head as his pondered what his gruesome fate would be.

Grandma reached into the pocket of her apron.  At that moment, Thor’s heart sank as he realized the fate in store for the gopher.  “By golly, young fella, it’s time someone teaches you how to follow the rules.”  Then, out they came, a razor sharp pencil, a small notebook of paper, and a sheet of paper with writing on it.

It was a copy of Grandma’s rules for acceptable behavior.

Grandma believed that most things in life improve with practice. That includes rule following and writing.  Thor knew all of grandma’s rules by heart.  Whenever he was caught in a violation, you can be sure he would be found copying them 100 times.

“Gus in my opinion you could use some work on all of these rules, but numbers five and seven are the ones you really, really need to focus on. Oh, don’t think that you are going to take any short cuts or escape…I plan to sit right here to point out any omissions you  make.  As for escaping, well, I might be slow, Gus, but the dog, cat and chickens are not.”

Grandma’s Rules of Acceptable Behavior:

1.  Treat everyone just like you, yourself would like to be treated.
2.  Be respectful of your elders and others.  Always say please and thank you.
3.  Kindness like cleanliness pays.
4.  Be responsible and take responsibility.
5.  Always be honest with your words and actions.
6.  Don’t use bad words, unless you like the taste of soap.
7.  If it isn’t yours, it is not yours.
8.  When you want something, work for it.
9.   Don’t pick your nose.
10. Be thankful to God and count your blessings.
11. Never, ever, pull Grandpa Walter’s finger in grandma’s presence.

As Gus began his journey of human moral assimilation, Thor picked up the bucket.  While, grandma supervised the gopher’s character development, Thor filled the bucket with strawberries, then dumped bucket after bucket of the berries into grandma’s big kettle.

As Thor picked, grandma cleaned the berries.  By the time Gus was done learning right from wrong, the strawberry patch was empty.

Grandma carried Gus to the fence and tossed him over the side.  Everyone knows that Minnesota gophers know how to bounce.  No harm no foul.

No sooner had the rodent disappeared than Thor’s dad came home from work and walked into the jungle alongside Grandpa Walter.

Thor’s dad wondered why on such a bright sunny day and with the garden hose off that  his son was wearing rain gear and eye protection.  He then noticed that there was a squirrel sleeping on top of the chicken coop, a jar of Maraschino cherries had been left outside, a towel was hanging on the line covered with mascara stains and goo, his mother was there without makeup on, and there were sheets and sheets of paper with her rules for acceptable behavior copied on them floating around the yard like dry leaves in the fall.

Suspicious that his mother had his son spend the afternoon practicing writing skills Thor’s dad asked, “Son, what have you been doing today?” “Nothing much.” Thor responded.

Thor’s dad saw all of the picked cleaned strawberries and said, “Your mom has ice cream in the house for those.”

On the way into the house they all walked past Grandpa Walter. Grandpa Walter stuck out his finger and Thor’s dad pulled it.  As Grandpa Walter ripped a leg lifter fart that fluttered the fabric of the seat of his pants and sent Thor running, Grandma handed Thor’s dad her notebook, pencil and her list of “Rules for Acceptable Behavior.”

grandma angry
Vicki Lawrence

“Get copying son, and focus your attention specifically on Rule Number 11. It is just luck that a strong breeze prevented Grandpa’s wind from spoiling all of the strawberries and rendering us all blind and unconscious! For Pete’s sake, most of your garden is wilted and uprooted, and the ferocity of the release of all that hot anal air blew half of your fence over!  A methane emission of that magnitude could advance climate change by decades! There are reasons for rules!”

In grandma’s world, with the single exception of Grandpa Walter, no matter how old you are acceptable behavior is acceptable behavior whether human or beast.

Thor immensely enjoyed eating fresh strawberries and ice cream while watching his dad improve his penmanship.

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What is On My Mind Today? Leprechaun and Other Stories for Children

The largest gathering of people dressed as leprechauns was 262 leprechauns who gathered at Canal Theatre, Dublin to celebrate Guinness World Records Day 2011
The largest gathering of people dressed as leprechauns gather at Canal Theatre, Dublin to celebrate Guinness World Records Day 2011 on November 17, 2011. REUTERS/Maxwell Photography/Guinness World Records/Handout

Looking for a great St. Patrick’s Day leprechaun story? Waiting for your plane?  Not enough toys at Grandma’s?  Forgot the bedtime books at home?  When it comes to keeping children entertained, look no further than Grandma Pat.

There are nine original tales in this comical series of stories for children about the ingenuity and adventures of a boy named Thor. If you are looking for online fasted -paced stories to keep children entertained check them out!

I hope you and your children enjoy Thor’s Stories. I wish you all safe travels and a wonderful holiday season.

Below are links to all of Thor’s adventures and a brief description of the story line.

Thor Saves Christmas.  Thor and the leprechauns come to the rescue when Santa’s elves all come down with Blue Snot Flu.

Morton the Squirrel and the Great Chicken Race.  Thor and Morton begin their battle for supremacy of the backyard when the rascally squirrel goes after the boy’s chickens.

Morton the Squirrel and the Mighty Explosion.  Grandpa Walter saves Thor from an overwhelming squirrel attack.

Thor and Grandpa Walter Find Blueberries and Bigfoot.  Thor and Grandpa Walter find more than just blueberries in the woods on Minnesota’s North Shore.

Thor and the Rooster Pirate King. This story tells about how leprechauns came to own the magic feather they keep in their hats.

The Midnight Dinosaur Rhubarb Rampage. Do your children know how to write in secret leprechaun code?  Thor will show you how in this tale of ingenuity and backyard mayhem.

The Dog with Magical Eyes.  Leprechauns sometimes can be just plain handy, especially when your dog is suffering from magical eyes.

Thor and the Troll Toll.  The King of the Leprechauns has no tolerance for bullies, especially troll ones.

Thor’s Halloween Story: Ghost Cat Trapping  Learning Grandmother’s rules for good behavior and how lure, trap and set free nasty old ghost cats. 

Thor Stories: Thor Saves Christmas

Thor had to think fast and his backyard friends had to work hard to help Santa save Christmas when all of the elves came down with the flu. Will Thor’s arch enemy Morton the Squirrel finally get off Santa’s naughty list?

The Swedish Farmer's Daughter

295a8z94ty52pnlixjmfx34h8.1000x666x1Thor Saves Christmas

Thor woke up and stretched. What a great day! It had just snowed, it was the day before Christmas and he’d been extra good this year. He’d protected his mom, dad, chicks and the backyard from trolls, Morton the squirrel, leprechauns, rogue roosters and dinosaurs and saved Grandpa Walter from a Bigfoot. He knew for certain that Santa was coming and he was going to get lots and lots of presents.

Today was the day that Thor and his mom were going meet his dad for lunch, then go to see Santa and tell him what he wanted for Christmas.

His dad was hungry as a bear and ready for lunch when Soren and his mom arrived. To get to their lunch destination, they had to walk through the mall. That was when Thor saw him, a very sad looking old fellow with white whiskers and a green and…

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Thor’s Stories: Ghost Cat Trapping

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Following closely behind the Fourth of July with all of its bangs, pops and explosions, the next least favorite holiday on a dog’s calendar is…..Halloween.

Rex, Thor’s dog, always knew when Halloween was coming, because his boy, Thor, would put fake grave stones and bones all over the yard then forbid Rex from peeing on one or chewing on the other.

Next came the garden pumpkin harvest and massacre. Dogs always love garden pumpkins. After all, it is their favorite vegetable.  A pumpkin patch is a yard filled with big orange balls, because, a ball, is a ball, is a ball. And, since humans rarely eat them for food, pumpkins quickly become a dog’s favorite morning bathroom stop.

Rex was no exception to this rule.  Every morning before the sun could melt the frost on the pumpkin, Rex would engrave a design in the white ice crystals with his warm pee. Oddly enough, his bathroom art often resembled a miniature landscape.

After Thor had ended the reign of terror and forever saved his pumpkin patch from the ravages of Ned the Troll, the only real danger to the wonderful gourds was Thor himself. Thor really liked carving scary faces into those big orange orbs for Halloween.

While Thor loved carving on pumpkins, he hated sticking his hands into the belly of the pumpkin to pull out its cold, greasy, slimy, sticky guts.  So, he developed a Jack O’ Lantern production system.  After Thor lopped off the top of the pumpkin with his ninja sword, Rex was in charge of digging out the stringy stinky guts before the lad completed his carving.

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Rex didn’t mind this process too much, because one of his life’s greatest pleasures was digging. This activity became especially enjoyable when his arch enemy, the obnoxious rodent Morton the Squirrel couldn’t resist temptation; would get greedy for pumpkin seeds; and would move close enough to get covered in orange slime.  Pumpkin guts dripping off an enemy’s face is always sublime.

Yes, the human’s were convinced that everything was ready for another safe and happy Halloween. However, Rex and his animal buddies knew better.  Each year it was the same. For on this night of bumps and boos in the night, all of the cats with bad attitudes, who had used up all of their nine-lives and who had once lived in the neighborhood, returned to trick, NOT treat.

Ghost cats are a nasty lot and messing with one is best left to an experienced  professional…like a dog.  Yes, dogs hate them and good cats have no time for them either and with good reason.  Never, not even once did they try to be kind, gentle or loving during any of their nine-lives on earth.  So, since they gave no peace when on earth, they deserved no peace in the hereafter. And, they got their just desserts!  For these cranky bad-tempered snaggle pusses became ghosts instead of much loved pets for the angels.

The annual Halloween ghost cat preparedness meeting of Thor’s pets was scheduled and called to order.  Everyone attended including Ned the fainting goat.  The chickens were always excused from this meeting as it is about scary stuff, and they are chickens after all.

Rex began the meeting with a bang of the gavel.  Ned, the fainting goat…immediately fainted.  A motion was made, seconded and passed to make Ned an honorary chicken.  Morton the Squirrel rendered immediate first aid by spitting in Ned’s face until he woke up.  Morton’s mom, cleaned the squirrel spit off of Ned’s face, gave him a kiss and hug and helped him back to his pen, where he fainted with relief.

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Once, Morton’s mother had returned to the meeting. The ghost cat prevention plan from years past was distributed for review and discussion.  Morton the Squirrel’s mother asked Rex if she could have the grass and speak to the committee.

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“For years and years we have done our best to protect our humans and their children from ghost cats and their mean Halloween pranks.”  Our efforts have been very successful.

Rex, you have always been able to escape the backyard to perform street duty.  Due to your diligence, never has one of our neighborhood children been hurt crossing a street! Job well done!

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Of course, we are all aware of the occasional skinned knee from a unfortunate trip and fall in a costume that was too long. While any injury to a child is regrettable, it is not the type of trick a ghost cat would use, but rather just another indication that humans could benefit greatly from additional safety training. However, that is an issue for another day.

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Morton, for once, your love of spitting has been put to good use.  You have done a great job of staying ahead of those nasty ghost cats and their use of unattended open flames.  You can take pride in the fact that no flaming candle, has become a flaming costume or house.

At this time, I would like to acknowledge our dear house cats. We all know that Halloween is hardest them.  For they are in charge of candy safety.  Without fail our cats inspect each and every piece of Thor’s candy.  Their dedication to quality control and devotion to safeguarding Thor has always outweighed their loyalty to fellow cats, including ghost cats, and for that we thank you.

However, I feel it is time to change our ghost cat trick prevention plan.  Year after year, we work hard to prevent the hurt and mayhem caused by these lost, angry and unhappy ghost cats.  While we have all become very good at preventing their mischief, now is the time to stop it.

Then, Morton’s mom presented her cat ghost rehabilitation and reformation plan. Which was unanimously approved, because everyone knows that mother’s always know best.

The cool night air of a Minnesota Halloween Eve would make it almost impossible to detect the cold breezes emitted by ghosts as they float by or through you.  So, the team decided that the ghost rehabilitation should take place inside the home with the dear house cats.

To implement the new plan, supplies had to be gathered and deployed.  They needed toilet paper, a large floor fan, gum, duct tape, black work clothes, wooden clothes pins, a bright shiny new penny, cloves, marshmallows, orange-colored cheese crackers, white feathers, a can of baked beans, a copy of grandma’s rules for acceptable behavior and Grandpa Walter.

Before any part of the plan could be initiated, Mother Squirrel called Grandpa Walter to ask for his help and for him to bring a large copy of grandma’s rules for acceptable behavior.  Yes, that is right, Grandpa Walter speaks fluent squirrel.

Grandmother’s have always known that whether it is young humans or some misguided ghost cat exampling, teaching and expecting good behavior is an adult’s most important task.  So Thor’s grandma always had a copy of her acceptable behavior rules posted in her kitchen.  In case a child, anyone younger than grandma, experienced a memory lapse and need to re-enlightened.

Grandma’s rules of acceptable behavior:

1.  Treat everyone just like you, yourself would like to be treated.
2.  Be respectful of your elders and others.  Always say please and thank you.
3.  Kindness like cleanliness pays.
4.  Be responsible and take responsibility.
5.  Always be honest with your words and actions.
6.  Don’t use bad words, unless you like the taste of soap.
7.  If it isn’t yours, it is not yours.
8.  When you want something, work for it.
9.   Don’t pick your nose.
10. Be thankful to God and count your blessings.
11. Never, ever, pull Grandpa Walter’s finger in grandma’s presence.

Ghost capture can be a challenge and more so with ghost cats. Therefore, choosing the right bait is essential in any successful trapping operation.

First, the committee discussed the only thing cats, living or otherwise, cannot resist. Catnip! With a negative shake of her head and a raised eye brow, Morton’s mom quickly put an end to the discussion of cats and catnip.  Cats using catnip is like humans using drugs, no good can come of it and it will only end in tears.

It was decided to use two other items that cats cannot seem to ignore…birds and expensive black work clothes.  Since they were going for ghost cats, they decided to make white ghost birds as bait for the trap.  As Rex headed off to Thor’s dad’s closet to find his best black suit, Mother squirrel scooted into the kitchen to find a bag of large marshmallows, box of orange cheese crackers and cloves. Morton quickly raced out to the hen house to get feather donations from the chickens.

Once the marshmallows, cloves, crackers and chicken feathers were all gathered together.  Rex returned with several of Thor’s dad’s best black suits and his mom’s favorite black pants. After throwing the clothes on the living room floor, Rex proceeded to nip the crackers into four equal pieces.

Morton and his mother assembled the birds with marshmallow bodies, clove eyes, orange cheese cracker beaks and feathered wings and tails.  When they had used up all of the marshmallows, except the one they fed to Rex, because marshmallows have always been one of his favorite snacks, they were done making birds.

Next they had to assemble a ghost motion detector. What always signals that evil spirits have infiltrated a neighborhood on Halloween?  Toilet paper! The dear house cats  accepted the challenge to make the motion detector.  Soon, toilet paper was hanging and dangling all over the place.

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With the motion detector completed and the ghost cat bait prepared, they needed to make the trap.  As luck would have it, just at that moment Grandpa Walter arrived!

He helped place the marshmallow birds on the floor, carried the big fan into the living room, chewed gum and put the shiny penny in his pocket.  After using the gum to stick a copy of grandma’s rules for acceptable behavior on the wall, Grandpa Walter opened and heated up the can of beans.  As Mother Squirrel and the dear house cats finished setting the trap, grandpa sat down in the living room’s swivel rocking recliner to relax and eat his supper.

With grandpa settled nicely in the swivel chair, and Rex and Morton, as usual, out safeguarding children as they trick and treated, it was time to set the trap in motion.  Mother Squirrel signaled grandpa with an affirmative nod that now was the time, then she turned all the lights off. As Mother Squirrel and the dear house cats put the clothes pins on their noses, Grandpa Walter removed his socks and shoes.

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Ghosts, even ghost cats like to show off by going through walls so there never is a need to open a window or door to let them in, but a window was opened to let the smell of Grandpa Walter’s stinky feet out.  While birds and dark clothes may be irresistible to cats, ghosts cannot ignore the horrible smell of rotting dead flesh.

It did not take long before the nasty stench of Grandpa Walter’s old sweaty feet attracted the attention of the ghost cats.

Soon a strong cold ghostly breeze raced through the house towards the living room.  Chairs tipped over; books flew off their shelves; the dear house cats’ fur all stood straight up as they began jumping in circles and hissing; the toilet paper began swinging and swaying as the ghosts roared in.

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Mother Squirrel stood frozen in terror as she realized that the rotten smell from grandpa’s feet had been more successful that any of them had ever imagined.  For ghost cats filled Thor’s home.

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First, the ghost cats rubbed up against Thor’s parents best black clothes covering them with cockle-burry ghost fur. Then, they attacked and shredded the flock of ghost marshmallow birds. It did not take long before they exampled their evil and dangerous trickster ways and flew towards Grandpa Walter intent on tipping the poor old man’s chair over.

Nothing ever scared Grandpa Walter and ghost cats were no exception to this rule.  As they screeched towards him, he calmly leaned forward in his chair, switched on the fan and released his secret weapon.

A fart exploded out of the old fella with such force that it put his swivel rocker into furious spin creating a tornado of stink.  Ghosts may like nasty smells, but even ghost cats are not prepared for the potency of a grandpa fart.

Almost immediately, the ghost cats were caught up in furious fart tornado as it whirled around the room flinging marshmallow birds everywhere and tangling ghosts cats in the toilet paper. Twirling at such great speed the ghost cats were soon completely wrapped up in the toilet paper just like mummies.

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Since mummies cannot fly, the ghost cats fell to the floor, too dizzy to move.  Mother Squirrel switched on the lights and the dear house cats sprang immediately into action encasing the toilet-papered ghost cat mummies in layer of duct tape, because everyone knows that duct tape can hold anything.

With the ghost cats completely immobilized, Mother Squirrel felt that she had their attention and explained that their behavior on Halloween was unacceptable.  She did not care how or why they felt compelled to be mean to others, but their behavior needed to change immediately.  Then, she went over grandma’s rules of acceptable behavior one at a time.  Mother Squirrel then asked the cat ghosts to nod if they understood the rules.  As each ghost cat nodded, she gave them a hug and a kiss to the forehead.

That’s when the magic happened. For a gentle kiss to the forehead and loving hug can heal meanness.  In a flash, the duct tape fell away, toilet paper covered the floor, the ghost cats disappeared and in their place were real live perfectly fuzzy white, grey, orange and black calico kittens.

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It was then that Grandpa Walter put his thumb under the shiny new penny and flipped it into the air.

The moment the coin hit the floor the King of the Leprechauns appeared. He had been right in the middle of  a rather rowdy Halloween party when he had heard grandpa’s shiny penny summons.  As he rubbed the heads of the purring kittens, the King exclaimed, “I see that those pesky ghost cats were truly sorry for their evil deeds. I suppose they do deserve a do over.  I will see to it that they all find good homes with children who will love them very much! It is good that in the future there will be no more nasty ghost cats, only cats and angel cats. ”

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“But, first,” the king continued,”I think these kittens would enjoy attending a Leprechaun Halloween party!”  As quickly as the King had come, he disappeared with the kittens.

At that very moment the front door swung open and Thor, his friends, their parents and Rex returned home from trick or treating to begin their Halloween party.  They all just stopped and stared at the scene before them.

As, Thor’s dad saw a squirrel wearing hat and dress standing in front of what looked like his mother’s rules for good behavior that were stuck to wall with gum; he and his wife’s best black work clothes covered with cockle burrs laying on the floor; and marshmallows, crushed orange-cheese crackers, white feathers, toilet paper and duct tape scattered everywhere,  he calmly turned to a bare-footed Grandpa Walter and asked, “Did you start the party without us?”

As Rex began to wolf down all the marshmallows, and a squirrel began spitting on the dear house cats, Grandpa Walter slowly looked around the room noticing that grandma had not arrived for the party yet and replied, “Pull, my finger!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thor’s Stories: Leprechauns

There are eight different stories in this series about the ingenuity and adventures of a boy named Thor.  If you are looking for a few tales about Leprechauns to share on St. Patrick’s day,   Leprechauns tend to run amok in five of these stories.

Below are links to all of Thor’s adventures and a brief description of the story line.
I hope you and your children enjoy Thor’s Stories.

Morton the Squirrel and the Great Chicken Race.  Thor and Morton begin their battle for supremacy of the backyard when the rascally squirrel goes after the boy’s chickens.

Morton the Squirrel and the Mighty Explosion.  Grandpa Walter saves Thor from an overwhelming squirrel attack.

Thor and Grandpa Walter Find Blueberries and Bigfoot.  Thor and Grandpa Walter find more than just blueberries in the woods on Minnesota’s North Shore.

Thor and the Rooster Pirate King. This story tells about how leprechauns came to own the magic feather they keep in their hats.

The Midnight Dinosaur Rhubarb Rampage. Do your children know how to write in secret leprechaun code?  Thor will show you how in this tale of ingenuity and backyard mayhem.

The Dog with Magical Eyes.  Leprechauns sometimes can be just plain handy, especially when your dog is suffering from magical eyes.

Thor and the Troll Toll.  The King of the Leprechauns has no tolerance for bullies, especially troll ones.

Thor Saves Christmas.  Thor and the leprechauns come to the rescue when Santa’s elves all come down with Blue Snot Flu, 

Thor’s Stories: Thor and the Troll Toll

This is the next story in the saga of young Thor that I wrote two summers ago for my Grandson while I was in the midst of my cancer battle and awaiting remission and a stem cell transplant

In this story Thor learns about the power of love when he has to save his precious hens from a terrible old troll who oozes orange slime.

I have also included the recipe to make Metamucil’s slimy orange flubber.

I hope you enjoy Thor and the Troll Toll!

The Swedish Farmer's Daughter

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It all began with a splat against his bedroom window pane. The splat was Morton the Squirrel, Thor’s arch enemy. The squirrel was stuck to the window with gooey orange slime. Orange-slimed squirrels in the backyard known as “the jungle” could only mean one thing a garden troll was loose and oozing.

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Thor quickly ran to the window to take stock of the situation. What greeted his eyes was the face of Ned the one-horned troll drooling and dripping with orange spittle. This troll had eyes as black as midnight, a long nose and chin with hair growing out of his ears.  His ears deserve a special mention due to the fact that the big hairy things hung so low that they rested on his shoulders. The troll used to have two curly horns, but one was broken right off and so now he only had a lefty.

Normally, the leprechauns took care of Ned. They…

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