It has been nineteen days since my last post. It has been longer than that since I started my last oil painting and have repainted the sky over and over again. I am definitely in a rut and have gone through tubes of paint on a seemingly endless variety cloudy skies none of which meets with my approval.
It is not the painting or a writer’s block that has me stymied and frustrated. What has me so rattled is fear. There are times when having Multiple Myeloma makes me afraid and I have always hated being a coward. While I know that my disease it treatable, it is not curable and that sentence alone has the power to vaporize my bravery.
Mulitple Myeloma is not the only aspect of my life that makes me feel fearful. What else do I lay awake at night and fear? Lots of things. Sometimes, it’s that I will never fulfill many of my life’s dreams. Yes, even a woman of 57 who has had cancer twice still has hopes and dreams.
I would be lying if I said that I am not afraid to die, but that fear does not makes me a coward. Every human being that has ever been born and lived to an age of understanding is afraid to die. I think mostly, because we have never done it before and new experiences are often disconcerting. Then, too, I have a strong Christian faith. I believe in God and his son Jesus. During my stem cell transplant when I was so very sick, I felt peace and presence of God and know that he is with me and will care for me. Here and in heaven. No, it isn’t a fear of death that keeps me awake.
It is also not the fear of pain, I have had so many broken bones from this disease and experienced pain often enough to have accepted that he and I are quite close friends. We are accustomed to each other and can live together quite harmoniously.
The thing that I mourn the most is being disabled and unable to work. Apparently my brain has decided that the best time to grieve the loss of personal and professional goals, that I know will not or may not ever be realized, is at about 3 a.m. What goal grieves me the most? I always wanted to run for public office.
In my adult life, until this disabling disease sidelined me, I had always been active in politics as a Republican. Being a Republican is not the same as being Libertarian, every man for himself; or a my way or the highway Tea Party member who spares no concern for those who need a hand up because they have been pile driven into the dirt of humanity by situations well beyond their control; or a person who believes in a governing religious Theocracy.
A Republican understands this is a free nation and that not everyone in a free nation is going to agree with every point of any party’s platform. That is a good thing. Successful politics means winning elections by appealing to diverse voting groups. Successful governing is working together with others to implement your political goals, understanding that this process usually involves resolve, baby steps and compromise.
Politics in a free society is compromise. Compromise in politics is not a dirty word or a failure of personal or professional character. Parties that want to govern without compromise are nothing that I want to be associated with for they are and historically always have been instruments of tyranny and dictatorship.
Today it is not uncommon for Republicans who believe in compromise while working towards goals to be called RINO’s. Republican In Name Only. I hate the term RINO. Name calling is always childish. Using it is divisive, dismissive and and counter productive. Its use identifies a closed mind threatened by ideas that differ from their own. Winning an election in a free society is like being great evangelist, the crowns of glory go to those who convert the most people, not those who drive them away.
I worked at the Minnesota State Capitol for over a decade for both political parties in leadership roles. I thought that I had seen it all, but after watching a couple presidential debates it is plain to me that our choice of candidates is alarming if not terrifying. It is amazing that presidential politics, even more than cancer and death, keeps me up at night.
I fear for the future our nation and our nation’s children when we cannot attract intelligent, competent, law-abiding natural born citizens that demonstrate the characteristics of tact, truthfulness, honor, empathy and kindness. A respected leader is an effective leader.
This nation needs presidential candidates that are less self-serving and more selfless. Who understand that religion and state should be separate and religious beliefs should always be protected; ALL of the civil rights granted in the Constitution are equally as important for protecting and preserving liberty and there is a limited role for government in regulating business, safe-guarding our food supply, medicine and environment, and that our national security takes priority over political correctness.
Yes, fearing the outcome of this presidential election makes me feel like a coward and I hate feeling afraid of anything, but God. So, I have decided to take action by speaking up on this blog while I continue to pray for divine intervention and a new batch of candidates.
It would be nice to vote for someone, not just against the worst evil…just saying.