Thor and the Rooster Pirate King
Thor had just finished hooking up his video game controllers to play some Minecraft when he heard a sound that would send shivers down the spine of any suburban chicken raising human. He heard a rooster crowing in his backyard…known as the jungle.
This was no ordinary get out of your bed you lazy bones and meet the new day type of crowing. It was a hale and hearty shiver me timbers type of yahoo that could only have been beak bugled by the great rooster pirate king–Red Beard.
The legend of the great rooster pirate king was quite well known to Thor. Stories about this foul fowl bully’s selfishness, meanness, dishonesty and stop at nothing quest for treasure had been told and retold around many a family’s camp fire.
As the legend was told, once you had seen the great rooster pirate king you would never forget him. Red Beard was easily recognized by the blood red crown on top of his head and long scarlet beard that dangled beneath his beak. His plumage was the colors of war and stolen treasure–red and gold. His tail feathers were long and as black as a pirate’s heart. He was taller than most kids and had orange eyes that sparked and flashed like lightening when he was angry. He was so big and strong that his foot steps sounded like thunder each time his high heeled black-leather Italian pirate boots hit the ground.
This famous rooster came naturally equipped with dangerous weapons. He had a long pointed beak that could peck out the eyes of an unwary adversary, and his pirate boots hid toes tipped with long talons as razor sharp as any sword.
While this rooster was a plague of misery to people and animals, the hens just loved him! They thought him so very handsome in a bad boy chickeny sort of way. Oh, how the adoring flock of hens cackled in delight whenever he stuck his beak in the air, vainly puffed up his chest and strutted his stuff.
After hearing the loud crow of the rooster,Thor put down his video game controller and raced to the kitchen window to look out into the jungle. Sure enough it was Red Beard and it was immediately obvious to Thor that this corrupt charming rooster had already made his hens fall in love with him! The feathery females were busy prancing and preening around the yard competing against each other to see who would be chosen to be his new ladybird love. Gross!!!
Thor knew that to save his hens from the romantic spell of Red Beard he would have to capture and eject the rooster pirate king from the jungle. This would be no easy task. To establish the extent of the rooster’s mayhem in the jungle, Thor quickly scanned the backyard with his trusty binoculars to assess the situation.
He discovered that the rooster had taken over the tree house and converted it into a pirate fort. Morton the Squirrel, his squirrel friends, the leprechauns and Rex, Thor’s trusty dog, had all been captured and enslaved by the pirate king. Red Beard had put them to work helping him steal one of the jungle’s greatest treasures—ripe golden sweet corn.
Poor Rex had been harnessed to the big red wagon like a shaggy fat pony and was picking the cobs of sweet corn off the stalks with his teeth. After the poor dog filled the wagon, he pulled it over to where the pirate rooster had established his tree fort stronghold.
Once the corn reached the tree fort it was quickly unloaded and the green husks were torn off by Morton the Squirrel and his friends. As the pirate rooster king cracked his whip above their heads, the sad captive fuzzy-tailed rodents stacked the golden ears of corn into treasure chests. The pirate king would then make the leprechauns, who greatly feared their tiny selves being eaten by the rooster, use their magical powers to transport the golden treasure out of the jungle to Red Beard’s pirate ship hidden in the stormy mists on the sea of perpetual time.
Thor knew that he had no time to lose and ran to his bedroom to armor up to fight this feathered fiend. First, he put on protective eye gear to defend against getting his eyes pecked out. Then, he pulled on his heavy rubber rain boots and thick leather gardening gloves to guard his feet and hands from the rooster’s sharp talons. Over the top of all this went his heavy rubber rain coat. He completed his outfit by protecting his head with his bike helmet.
After he was dressed for battle, he grabbed a large mirror, a camera, sling shot and Duck Tape. Then put a couple of pitted black olives, two large dill pickles and two teaspoons into the pockets of his coat, picked up a toy sword and headed out into the jungle to save his friends and sweet corn.
Entering through the gate of the great wall, Thor was quickly spotted by the gaggle of giggling, prancing, preening, prissy hens. Their excited squawking alerted Red Beard, who quickly spun around on the heels of his knee-high fashionable black Italian leather pirate boots. He pointed at himself and threatened Thor with the shout, “This here chicken ain’t no chicken! I dare you to come over here you slimey-lily-livered eel! I’ll peck out your eyes and make you so very ugly that you will give nightmares to other children and forever be a walking reminder not to mess with pirate roosters like me!”
Thor’s mother had taught him well, and he had better manners than to respond to fowl talk of that nature. His calm demeanor in the face of the threats made Red Beard lose his temper. The rooster’s eyes began to glow orange with fury and as he flapped his great wings and crowed. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you, I will show you no mercy! What I claim as mine, I hold, and this treasure of golden sweet corn is mine, MINE, I tell you!” Then, the rooster flapped his tattooed wings and flew right for Thor’s face.
Thor quickly fitted one of the pitted black olives into the sling shot. He took aim at Red Beard’s beak as it closed in to peck out his eyes and shot off the olive. Thor’s aim was true and the hole in the center of the black olive slid right over the rooster’s beak and held it shut like a noose.
Red Beard’s outrage knew no bounds as he flapped his mighty wings and kicked off his Italian leather pirate boots baring the razor sharp talons on his dry scaly feet. Intending to slash Thor’s face to bloody bits, Red Beard flew at the boy. Thor reached into his pocket and grabbed the two large dill pickles. As the rooster leaped toward his face, Thor shoved a big thick dill pickle onto each of the rooster’s feet. Red Beard’s talons were stuck in the pickles and try as he might he could not shake them off. Thor had neutralized the pirate king’s most dangerous weapon.
Red Beard was now really, really mad and more determined than ever to thrash Thor to pieces with his great wings. He began chasing Thor around the jungle with the black olive around his beak and pickles stuck to his feet. The great bird was fast, even with pickles on his feet, and chased Thor into the corn patch in the garden. Thor wildly swung his toy sword from side to side to keep the vicious bird a bay. As they raced through the garden the rows corn stalks were trampled into the ground as the cobs were knocked off and flew high into the air.
As the rooster began to catch up with him, Thor threw down his sword and pulled the mirror out from under his coat and got ready with his camera. When Red Beard was so close that Thor could feel the wind from the flapping wings on the back of his neck, he spun around, put the mirror right in front of Red Beard’s face and set off the camera flash into the mirror. The magnified reflection of the bright flash reflected off the mirror and blinded Red Beard. Soon he became entangled in the mangled corn stalks and fell over backwards.
Thor hollered for Rex and Morton and together they worked as a team to tie the feathery fiend up with Duck Tape. Once they had him trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey, Thor got the two teaspoons out of his pocket. He put the ends of the spoons together and held on to the handles and began rapidly clacking them together.
This is a secret alarm for leprechauns and tells them they need to come out from their underground cities and farms to rescue one of their own. Before long there was quite a little army of leprechauns assembled in the jungle hugging their friends and family members who had been taken captive by the rooster pirate king and who were now free. Then, with great glee they began singing, jigging and jumping up and down of the belly of the mean old rooster pirate king who had bullied them for so many years.
The leprechauns begin hollering, “Speech, speech!” Thor slowly climbed the steps to his tree fort, like a pastor entering his pulpit, to address the enthusiastic crowd!. His speech was short and to the point for he knew his leprechaun friends well…they are short people and only listen to short speeches. Thor announced that Red Beard the rooster pirate king was going far away to a place where he would live in a cage for the rest of his life. He would never again be able to make trouble for people, little people, dogs or squirrels.
The jungle erupted with wild cheers as its citizens realized the tyranny and terror of the mean rooster would forever be a thing of the past.
Then, the leprechauns lined up beside that mean old bird and each of them pulled one small feather out of the pirate rooster’s head to wear in their leprechaun hats as a reminder that good will always overcome evil.
After the lucky feathers had all been collected and Red Beard had a rather large bald spot on top of his head, those tiny Irish folks happily returned to their magic kingdom through the little blue door in the hollow tree to continue their celebration. Never again, except during a baseball game, would they need to fear a fowl.
To reward Morton the Squirrel, normally Thor’s arch enemy, for his help in capturing the rooster pirate king, Thor gave him and his friends an pile of fresh corn kernels to eat. Rex the dog was so tired from all of his hard work he fell asleep right in the midst of all of those chattering squirrels.
Instead of saying thank you, Morton, true to his rascally character spit at Thor, but it was deflected off of Thor’s protective eye gear so there was no harm, no foul. Unfortunately, for Morton, his mother saw him spitting and grabbed him by the arm, marched him over to the bird bath and washed his mouth out. Then, she put him over her shoulder and carried him home for a time-out as he watched this friends eating all that delicious sweet corn without him.
Thor put Red Beard into a large sack, put the sack into his red wagon, hooked the wagon to the back of his bike and rode off to deliver the rooster pirate king to the farm for wayward roosters. The farm for wayward roosters was located far out in country and had been a rehabilitation center for misbehaving chickens for many years.
Once there, the farmer grabbed the bald, bootless rooster out of the sack, clipped off his sharp talons and put him into a small cage all by himself. Forevermore, Red Beard would spend his days surrounded by other roosters who had only thought of themselves and made bad decisions that had hurt others. Now when it was too late for him, Red Beard finally realized how great a responsibility and how precious his freedom had been and how wrong he’d been to take it away from others. The loss of his liberty finally made Red Beard sorry for the mean selfish things he had done.
About the time Thor got home from dropping Red Beard off at the farm, his dad pulled into the garage after a long day at work. He asked Thor what he had been doing all day. Thor replied as always, “Nothing, much.”
Thor’s dad was glad to see that all of the sweet corn had been picked, but did not understand why Rex was lying in the yard sound asleep while squirrels gorged themselves on the golden treat. Between the trampled rows of corn was an empty roll of duck tape, a camera, mirror and two very small black leather boots. Thor was wearing a bike helmet that had very long black rooster’s tail feather stuck in it….they had no roosters or black chickens. The lad also had a sling shot in his back pocket and strongly smelled like dill pickles.
Thor and his dad woke up Rex who chased the squirrels out of the yard. Then, they put the sweet corn into sacks to take into the house to cook, can, freeze and mostly eat smothered in rich creamy melted butter.
Red Beard the Rooster Pirate King